7 Tips for Better Sex For Vulva Owners
Enhancing sexual health and satisfaction is a fundamental aspect of overall well-being. As pelvic floor therapists, sexual health issues are common complaints we hear from patients. We treat (and love playing our part in helping to solve!) the physical aspects of these issues, however, it’s important to recognize that integrating a more holistic mind-body approach can often be far more effective when addressing issues as layered and important as intimacy and sex.
In today’s blog, we are collaborating with Maribel Bradberry, a licensed Psychologist and AASECT Certified Sexual Health Consultant. Our own Ivy Colbert, the owner of Empower Physical Therapy and a pelvic floor therapist, gives additional insight. Together, they present seven tips for better sex for vulva owners.
Define Sex
First of all, rather than going straight for the bedroom, let’s do some self-reflection.
Maribel encourages us to reconsider what our definition of sex is. She says, “Most people in our society have never given it much thought or they have a narrow definition of what sex is. Thinking about what has drawn you towards wanting to have sex in the past might help answer this question. Perhaps it is the connection, touch, release and/or intimacy that is appealing. What sorts of sexual activities will most likely connect you to what you’re seeking? Think beyond strictly missionary penetrative sex.”
Doing this practice will help you more deeply tune into your own needs and desires, leading to better sexual satisfaction.
Know your turn-ons and turn-offs
Maribel says, “For many people arousal or interest in sex is not automatic after the initial stages of a relationship. Some need to unwind from the day even to consider the idea. Others need their partner to pitch in before they are open to connecting physically. Figure out what you need and what doesn’t do it for you. An example might be, coming home to a messy house. Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are, is a great resource.”
As pelvic floor therapists, we highly recommend this book as well! Not only does it address the psychological aspects of having good sex, it also prompts you to consider how we can better integrate our physical and mental selves for improved satisfaction and intimate connection.
Know what feels good
Maribel says, “Think of what has felt pleasurable in the past. This may be from past experiences with partners or yourself during solo sex/masturbation. Knowing what is physically pleasurable to you is an important factor in helping you have enjoyable sex. If you are not sure what is pleasurable: explore on your own, with a toy or with your partner to find out. “
Ivy adds, “It’s important to get to know your own anatomy. Take a mirror and look at your vulva. Identify where your clitoris is, where your labia majora and minora are, where your vagina is, where your perineum is and where your anus is.”
“Many of our patients have not looked at their vulva in the mirror before! While we can help educate them in the clinic, we also like to refer our patients to the Anatomy of Pleasure website for more education and this self guided practice. As Maribel said, do some exploration on your own to find out what is pleasurable for you.”
Get “cliterate”
Speaking of getting to know your anatomy, know where your clitoris is! Reference the Anatomy of Pleasure website linked above to get a full picture of what clitoral anatomy is like. Studies show that between 70 percent to 90 percent of women are unable to achieve orgasm with penetration alone and need concurrent clitoral stimulation.
If you are having penetrative intercourse, you might try and explore positions that cause friction against the head of the clitoris. Like the penis, the clitoris is made of erectile tissue, it fills with blood and swells when a person becomes turned on or aroused allowing for more sensitivity and pleasure.
Open Communication
Effective communication with your partner is key. Discussing likes, dislikes, boundaries, and desires openly can lead to a deeper understanding and stronger connection. Encourage open dialogue about preferences and any discomforts to ensure a pleasurable experience for both partners.
Maribel says, “Communicating what is pleasurable, what your turn-ons and -offs are, and what sex means to you is a crucial part of having pleasurable sex. Talk to your partner about their turn-ons/offs and what brings them pleasure. You may be surprised to find out that they experience pleasure from pleasuring you. Communicate to your partner if they do something you like or want them to do it differently. A certain amount of pressure one day can mean great pleasure and on another day may be uncomfortable or even painful.”
Use the right lubricant
As pelvic floor therapists, we encourage individuals to prioritize lubrication, which is essential for comfort and pleasure. Due to various factors, such as hormonal changes, stress, or medication, vulva owners may experience dryness that may cause friction during penetrative intercourse which can lead to swelling and pain.
Additionally, it’s not just enough to use lubricant but you need to use the right kind of lubricant. A few things to pay attention to when looking for a lubricant is its osmolarity, its pH and where you want to use it. For example, for vaginal penetrative intercourse, it’s best to use a high quality water-based lubricant with a pH of 3.5 - 5.5 like sliquid or slippery stuff. For anal penetrative intercourse, the pH of the rectum is closer to 6 -7, so a lubricant with a pH of 6-7 is best. Avoid hyperosmotic lubricants that can break down the skin barrier and cause more dryness. Research the osmolarity of the lubricant before purchasing it! If using a toy, avoid oil-based lubricants that can break down the silicone. For more guidance on lubricants, you can reference the Smitten Kitten’s guide to lube here.
Sex shouldn’t hurt (unless you want it to)
If you are having unwanted pain during sex, we encourage you to see a pelvic floor physical therapist. If sex is painful, you’ll likely experience decreased pleasure, meaning you’ll probably be less inclined to have it, which will reinforce the cycle of pain. Pain with orgasms, pain with penetration, and pain after sex are all common sexual health issues pelvic floor therapists can help effectively treat. Pelvic floor therapists can help to find the cause of your pain, release tension in the pelvic floor, and educate you on some exercises to practice on your own to improve the functionality and comfort of your pelvic floor. In fact, treating the pelvic floor will not only lead to less pain but also to better orgasms!
Summary
Redefining our understanding of sex, identifying turn-ons and turn-offs, exploring what feels good, understanding clitoral anatomy, engaging in open communication with partners, and prioritizing the right lubrication are all essential to having more pleasurable sex. If you are experiencing discomfort or have any concerns with sex or intimacy, we encourage you to seek guidance from a certified sexual health consultant and psychologist and a pelvic floor physical therapist. A well-rounded team approach can lead to more effective treatment. Cheers to better sex for all vulva owners!
